Guilty Pleasure

You were never mine from the beginning, but why the hell was it so damn hard for me to just let you go? We never ended up getting together but why does it seem like I couldn’t even walk away from you?  You were my light in the dark. The reason I looked at my phone and smiled. You evidently weren’t aware of the chemistry you were giving out. You turned out to be my guilty pleasure. Something that isn’t good for you always seems to stick around.

You made me happy, that is a definite. Our time together was fun. We went from talking all the time, seeing each other more times than not , and creating a bond/relationship that no one could take away until YOU did.

Hoping it was a natural thing, I often go back to think was it real? Did you really care? Was it all just to get what you wanted? Someone to come home to when you visited, someone to keep close by to get whatever it was that fulfilled you when we were together.  I feel if I have to ask these questions to myself then the answer is probably no. Did a “YES” make me feel any better then, not really.

So many emotions, so many tears came and I couldn’t control them. The only thing I could do was back off and try to get back the time you took. That shit was hard man.  I stood my ground and cut myself off from you but it didn’t last. Something just kept drawing me back and for the life of me I can’t figure out what the hell it was

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We reconnected again, still rarely talking & me still trying to avoid seeing you in person because I knew seeing you again would pull me right back into where I tried so hard to pull myself out of once before with you. We meet up and after talking for a bit you ruined everything all over AGAIN!

At this point, I’m starting to wonder…hurting me must be what was going to happen from now on, I can see it. The cycle continued, I back off, cut off contact, etc. only for it to be again only temporary. WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Why the hell could a I not just let you go. Why couldn’t I let go of someone who stole my chance to choose from the very beginning.  By the time I had the chance it was way too late. I was already in way too deep.

Having your “voice” stolen is one of the worse feelings. Its denying a person a chance to  choose what is best for them. A chance to say yes or no, a choice whether to accept what you’re offering or to deal with what may come.

I became lost in the “almost”, stuck in the “what if”. At the time I was all yours but you were never all mine. Again, not by MY CHOICE but your decision. You had a whole life you lived outside of me.

How is it that we are hurt by someone who was never even ours? How do you move on from something that never really began? The hurt is never really justified because nothing was ever solidified. Create boundaries. Know where you stand with someone.  Don’t settle for the “almost” relationship. Let your mind be smarter than your heart.

Remember ALMOST DOESN’T COUNT!

 

Until next time loves ❤ 

ak82745

 

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15 thoughts on “Guilty Pleasure

  1. Janai Hodge

    This was so relatable. It took some time but I was finally able to break that soul tie that was connecting me to such a toxic person. Once you’re tired of feeling that type of hurt you’ll figure out the necessary adjustmenys to step towards healing.

    Liked by 1 person

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